he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
