I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
