So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize