Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
