I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
