Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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