Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
