You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
