Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
