i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
