Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
