My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize