I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
