Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
