you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
