Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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