Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
