You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
