i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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