alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
