just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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