Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
