i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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