I hate your face
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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