She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
