i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize