I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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