I just pynch a tree in the face
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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