it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
