Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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