I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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