Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
