Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
