Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
