Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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