I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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