I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
