Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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