He uses pillows to masturbate.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
