no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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