Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize