So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize