either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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