dude i'm inner monologue high
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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