what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
