Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
