Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
