Kiss
Puke
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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