it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
