I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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