She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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