Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
