been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
