the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
