My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
