mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
