sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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