At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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