I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize