I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
