Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
