Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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