I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
